


My Mouth is Zipped

by MurdersintheMorgue



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, and will probably never be updated, just a warning, this is really bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-04
Updated: 2013-02-04
Packaged: 2017-11-28 03:43:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/669889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurdersintheMorgue/pseuds/MurdersintheMorgue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humans have to tell things. It's part of their being. If you don't tell, if you don't say anything, then you're not human. Or maybe you're holding it all up, and one day someone is going to say the right word, and it'll all come pouring out and suddenly you're a little puddle of feelings on the ground, pathetic, whimpering, and totally exposed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Mouth is Zipped

There are three kinds of a secret.

The first is the secret that someone tells you, and you say you'll keep it but you know its okay to tell one other person. And then that person knows its okay to tell their friend. And suddenly, it's not a secret anymore but a massive, well known thing. This is a pretty normal kind of secret. People would mostly assume that kind of thing happens only in middle/high school.

But that's not the case. It happens all the time. For everyone.

The next kind of secret is the one you tell maybe one or two other people. It's a secret that you giggle about, and you can share knowing looks over. Or maybe it's a dark secret that you only get pitiful looks from those who know, and you feel bad and regret ever telling anyone.

And then there's the real secret.

The dark stuff, which you keep locked up inside.

One incident, or thought, or movement or accident or whatever the hell it is.  
And every time you remember it, the memory makes you squirm and your stomach gets all queasy and you just want to be alone or maybe not whatever makes you just not think about your secret.

These are the ones that will slowly drive someone insane.

Because we, as humans, are programmed to tell. When you feel bad, even though you say you feel okay, you always want someone to say those right words, the right thing that will allow that gush of feelings, those bad thoughts, everything that makes you feel.  
You always want to tell.

It's part of being human.

I have a secret that makes me squirm.

It makes me wake up hot and sticky in the middle of the night. My stomach drops when this object of my secret passes by.

Keeping secrets are hard.

Not telling anyone about anything is harder.

When being a Strider, you are not expected to have any ounce of human nature in you.

Do you understand that this concept of not saying anything,

This 'not being able to feel anything'

This is not human.

It's painful, the kind of pain that is slowly ripping your insides out and shoving them back in upside-down so that everything feels out of place and uncomfortable.

My name is Dave Strider, and I hold the dark secret that most girls my age would.

I have a devastating crush on Karkat Vantas.

My secret was only newly discovered. When a friend of mine, Jade, came over one day, we sat watching TV, and she suddenly started asking me what I thought of the ever furious student that happened to sit next to me in three classes out of the eight I had each day and his locker was merely six lockers down. Not that I had counted or anything. That would be uncool.

"What do you think of Karkat?"

It had been a hot day, towards the end of school. My brain was muddled from lack of sleep, the consequence of trying to cram for the end of the year exams we had last week. I had rubbed one eye tiredly, tipping my head over the back of the couch arm, she sitting with her legs up onto the big orange chair that Bro usually occupies but he loves Jade for some obscure reason and lets her do whatever when she's over.

"Vantas? Nothing really. He's a total bitch, if that's what you mean. Why?"

She had shrugged. I could tell she was trying to think hard. This wasn't easy for Jade. Serious wasn't a good look for her adorable smushy face that so many boys had chased after this year.

"I think he asked me out." Was her reply. Her green eyes looked over at me guiltily, and for the life of me I couldn't understand why.

But standing here, in the dark, large white space that was Egbert's basement, where music was loud enough to make the bamboo floor underneath me pound and the clumsy thirteen or fourteen year old kids bouncing around to the music, holding red cups full of fizzy soda sweet enough to rotten teeth overnight. Here, I understand why her big eyes had held pity.

Because she had known. They had all known. My friends, the closest people to me in the world, they had realized about my love for Karkat Vantas. Before I even knew I liked guys, they had all known.

How, I will never understand. It's not like I would watch the small hot headed boy with a longing look, similar to the ones I caught some girls in my grade staring at me with.

It wasn't like I talked about him excessively, the way John did about...Pretty much everyone actually; I have no clue who he likes.  
At least, I thought I didn't do any of those things. But now, with my eyes unconsciously glued to him, that sneaky little angry bastard who somehow wiggled his finger into my heart and prodded it to nothing, now I knew.

He was standing with his arms crossed, a permanent frown etched onto his small pale face as Jade tugged him towards where people were 'dancing'.

Dancing, of course, meaning literally jumping up and down like an idiot. Except there were some people who were actually dancing, and that would have been interesting if the most beautiful boy in the room had not been standing right over there. Standing there with a soft, but still angry look on his face, as he pleaded with Jade not to make him go over there. I watched as his lips moved, for once speaking calmly and lovingly as he was talking to the one he loved.

Which was not me.

Jealousy burned a dark hole through my stomach, like the green acid does in those stupid horror or sci-fi movies from the nineties and earlier. It stung and made me feel nauseous at the same time. Crushing the soda can in my hand, barely realizing that it was still half full- or empty, if you were that type of person- I tossed it to the ground and drudged up the modern stairs to the large white kitchen were John's dad sat reading the paper. He looked up as I strutted- no not bumbled, strutted, with dignity because I most defiantly am jealous of my best gal friend's boyfriend- into the wide open space. One look at my stance - not my face because then I would have been showing emotion and that's a big no-no in the Strider code-and he gave me a gentle smile, a smile that said I know what you feel. And suddenly there was a piece of chocolate cake in front of me.  
I saw that he had gone back to the paper. John usually says that his dad likes to pry. But I guess the guy knew the Strider code well. Don't talk, no emotion, only small gestures that if were in a normal household would not be noticed at all.  
The cake tasted good, soft and moist, and no, I did not subconsciously notice that it was the same color of Karkat's hair.

Outside was dark, and wearing shades, people would assume I was totally blind in this light.  
But I wasn't, because I am a Strider.

I walked along side my step sister, Rose, whose face was nearly as blank as mine. We walked side by side, shoulders bumping slightly every now and then. Finally, a sigh escaped her sharp, small nose, and the small girl had come to a complete stop. I shoved my hands deep into the back pockets of my jeans, stopping as well, but only turning slightly to give her a level glare.

That was totally useful in every way. Because one can totally sense another staring at them from behind shades.

Shut up.

"Dave." Her voice made me turn fully, and my pale eyebrow quirked a little at her level and easy tone of voice. She was going into therapist mode. I rolled my eyes, turning back a little.

"Yeah, that's my name." I state, monotone voice sounding strange to my tired ears. All I really wanted to do was go to bed and sleep all week.  
"Dave, have you realized now?" She asks quietly, and I almost let out a laugh. Almost. It really just is held back to a soft and quick swish of air, leaving my lips with a little 'heh'. I turn to face her fully, and she's a little startled.  
"Rose." I say seriously, hands fidgeting, and I felt myself bite my lip a little. Her face is full of surprise, but I pull myself back together, braving a little smirk and turning my head away. "That's not really any of your business, now is it?" I mutter, barely hearing myself, much less being heard by the other, whose face is contorted with worry. Swiftly turning away, I continue my hunched over walk. Bro will be waiting up for us, and I didn't want him blaming us if Dirk was too cranky tomorrow morning to wake up for his first week of camp.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

My first conscious thought of the first day of summer was my ringtone. It pierced through my sleep, causing me to groan and roll over, swinging my arm around randomly until I had found the offending thing. The blurry screen said 'Derp' and I sighed.

"Dave! Omigod Dave finally I've been calling you like, all day! What have you been doing geez."

I let out a sigh, and flopped back to the pillow, mushing my face into it.  
"Sleeping" I groan. I hear John let out a little sound of surprise and disappointment.

"Daaave" He whines.  
"Jooohn" I say back, my throat stinging with lack of sleep.

"Dave, get up now. We're going to the pool. Right now. Up." He says.

I let out a long groan as I shuffled around in bed.  
"But John, this comforting warmth that is my bed, it calls me back into it claws."  
"Dave I'll be there in ten minutes"  
"Help, Egderp, I'm being pulled, it's taking me under."  
"You better be ready or I'll go Rango on your ass."

I mumble something, not really conscious of what it is, and throw the phone to the floor. Sighing, I slid the thin sheet on my bed almost completely over my head.

Something was cold. Everything was cold. And wet.  
I woke with a start, and glanced up to see John standing over me with an empty bucket hovering over my face. Letting out a weird sound, I leapt up towards him, causing the derp to let out a gaggle of giggles, and we fell to the floor.

I pulled his hair as he wiggled a little.  
"I warned yooou!" He gasped as I tickled his side. Sighing, I finally relented to his pointless little shoves that affect me oh so much, and got up, shaking out my blonde hair a little and scanning the mess that was my shelf for my kick ass shades.

Pools are always the same. They smell the same, have the same screaming kids peeing in the same spots.  
It was one place that every summer, it never changed.

I could see the lifeguards were especially prissy on this hot summer day as they whistled at John about three or four times for running and jumping and pretty much being John.  
Which wasn't really that cool.

Jade and Rose had already claimed a spot by a ring of trees someway away from the screaming kids and bluish water.  
This had always been our spot, ever since we were little.

So why the hell were there other people there as well.  
I scanned the little group that had gathered around the two girls.

And sure enough, there he stood.  
I felt my stomach leap all the way into my throat, and I had to pause to swallow it down. John noticed my pause, but naturally as my face told him nothing he trudged forward in front of me, greeting the others with a wide grin.  
I strided up behind him, suddenly conscious of every move I made.

But Karkat's eyes were glued to Jade, who looked really good in a bikini.  
I knew, because I've seen it before. But today, instead of checking said chick out, I was staring at her boyfriend.

Because damn he took good care of himself.  
He wasn't overly skinny like the two tall, lanky guys that milled around with him. No, his body was slender, and his pale skin seemed to clash with the black of his swimsuit trunks.

But if you looked long enough, you could see the imperfections that marred his otherwise gorgeous body. There were dark blue bruises along his ribs, and I watched, you could tell he was trying to hide them, holding his arms close to his body, trying to cover them.  
"Dave. DAVE. Earth to Strider!"  
I blinked, and looked at John, who had been waving his hand in front of my face. A smirk replaced his usual grin. I raised a brow, and he gave me this knowing look that made my insides squirm.

"Dave, you know Sollux, right?" The derp finally announced, and he gestured wildly to one of the tall lanky guys I'm pretty sure I had registered at one point but they hadn't been standing close enough to Karkat for me to register. Now that I got a good look, I realized that it was the guy that always did my work in Computers class, which usually ended up in him hacking into the school system. I let my lips quirk up a little. Closest to a smile he'll get.  
"Sup Captor." I said coolly, jutting out my chin a little. He smirked and nodded, hands in the pockets of his trunks.

"Yoo, motherfuckers, let's go and motherfuckin swim in this most absolutely magical day." Said the other boy that had been milling. He swung an arm around John, grin stretching from ear to ear. I watched, suppressing a smirk as John's face quickly grew pink at the contact.  
This other boy was Gamzee Makara, Karkat's best friend besides the genius that was Sollux. People say he gets high behind the school, but if you get to know him, you realize he really doesn't do drugs. He just holds his breath, and kills enough brain cells to always appear high. At least, that's what his friends say.

I registered that Karkat was growling, and sub consciously tuned into the conversation that was taking place beside us.  
"No, I will not go out into the sun! I'll come back looking like a fucking crab!"  
His voice is raspy and breaks every now and then, not really keeping a constant tone. A giggle was his response.  
"But Karkaaaat! It'll be fun! What did you expect to do, coming to the pool!" Jade's voice was cute, the way she always makes it around boys that were not John or I. I could practically hear Vantas turning red, and feel the perverted thoughts he had had, the reason he had come to the pool. I knew, because I had been in his spot before.

"W-whatever. You guys just go, and I'll stay here in like a loser." He muttered, and Jade let out a little whimper.  
"Karkat!" She whined, and I wasn't even paying attention to the conversation in front of me now, only nodding when Sollux looked over at me, and chucking when either boy got too close to John and his face turned tomato red.

"Jade, seriously. I can't go out into the sun for too fucking long! Do you know what a burn for a pale person feels like? It's like if someone were to slowly peel your skin off in an agonizingly and slow fashion!" Karkat's voice was sharp, but calm, and I could tell he this was the voice tone of voice that was only for Jade. Said girl huffed slightly, and I visualized her slouching an-

"DAVE MY GOOOOD!" John giggled, cutting into my train of thought rather rudely if I didn't say so myself.

"What." I said.

"Dave! Do you want to go to the water already, or are we just going to stand around here and be dweeeebs!" The two boys who had been shamelessly flirting with the smaller boy nodded, turning to look at me. I was tempted to glance back, to say that they should go, I'll stay here. But I knew that if I had done that, it would have been obvious. Especially with the fact that I had basically be staring at the boy of my affections the whole time I've been here.  
So I nodded.

"Fuck you!" John called, splashing some water in my face. I sputtered for a minute as the other bit his lip and giggled. I had cannonballed right next to his face just seconds before.  
"Jeez, bro, no need to come on so strong! I don't think we're even at that level, I'm sorry man." I said, letting myself smile a little as John's face lit up again. That boy is going to be brain dead by the end of the day, all his blood ending up in his cheeks, making them sag and his eyes glazed over what am I even thinking about oh there are hands over my head.  
I was pushed underwater, barely getting enough air to last me seconds. Grabbing at the waist that was in front of me I flung my friend over my shoulder and into the water, high fiving Sollux as John surfaced, a pout etched onto his cute little face.  
"Dave! That's not fair, you're way stronger than me!" He yelped as I picked him up again and threw him over to where Sollux stood. I let out a sharp laugh as John squeaked and swam backwards. Watching as Sollux and Gamzee teased the boy for his red face, I decided to swim over to where the two girls sat giggling.

"Sup ladies." I said, sliding my elbows on to the side of the pool and looking up at them from above my shades. Jade giggled as Rose rolled her eyes and flicked my head. I stuck out my tongue, before pulling up to sit beside them.  
"So, what's new? What's the 411? Tell me alll about it" I drawled, twirling my finger around like the mom in that one movie Jade's friend Feferi had made the whole group of us watch once. Jade's smile faded a little, and she looked out to the pool.  
"Jade thinks Karkat doesn't like her anymore." Rose stated bluntly, and I felt my heart flip a little, then guiltily telling it to shut the fuck up as Jade's face grew darker and she tugged at a lock of her hair.

"Oh, I doubt that." I said, reaching behind Rose's back to tap Jade's head. "I mean, why wouldn't he like you? There's nothing not to like."  
Jade's eyes turned bright again.  
"Do you really mean that?"  
I made myself smile the Strider way. But it was painful, like someone was tugging at my heart.  
"Of course."  
"Dave, do you think you could go talk to Karkat about it?" She said suddenly, and it took me a second to register what she had suggested.  
"Talk about..."  
"Yeah! I mean, you're both guys, and you talk, right? So like, you could probably get it out of him! He doesn't keep secrets very easily!" I could blatantly see the look Rose was giving the other. It was a look of warning, and basically saying what the hell are you doing.  
"Don't you think Egderp would be better to talk to him. I mean, they're pretty close, are the-"  
"No, Dave, you have to do it!" She said, almost sternly. I studied her face, then finally got up and made my way over to were our stuff was place.  
Over to where the boy of my dreams sat.  
The walk there was nerve wrecking. It was like I was walking through slow motion. I tried to come up with clever conversation starters in my head, but all that came together were bumbles of random words and similes that didn't make any fucking sense and oh shit I was standing in front of him and he was looking up at me expectantly, his face oh so adorably pissed and he was opening and I can't stop looking at his very pink lips and what I would do just to lean down and kiss the-

"Strider. What are you doing."

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

I felt myself blink, and fought down the heat that was threatening to spread across my cheeks. I straightened slowly, then plopped myself down next to the angry brunette. He was eyeing me critically, and carefully, I could tell.  
I didn't blame him though. I mean, how do you react to some guy who doesn't even talk to you that often- and if so only to exchange insults- leaning close to your face.  
I sure as hell would freak.

But Karkat didn't which was strange. I could feel his dark eyes staring at the side of my freckled face, and I felt that acid burning thing again.  
"Vantas." The word seemed weird in my mouth. It was nice, like I was meant to say it. He let out a little hum in response, and his gaze was turned away from my face at last. Risking a glance, I saw his eyes watching Jade again, and a sharp pang struck through my stomach, as though I had been struck with a sword in the abdomen over and over.

There were buds in his ears. Little ones, with lady bugs I assumed he got from that Japanese knick knack store my little bro Dirk always dragged Rose and me too.

"Watchya listening too?" I asked quietly at last, forcing my eyes back to the pool in front of us. He glanced at me, and sat up a little, folding his legs under him.  
"Strider, why are you even talking to me?"  
Ouch, he had no idea how much that had struck you. It was like a giant boulder just came from the sky out of nowhere and crushed you, every bone in your body turned to a fine powdery substance.

"A good friend of mine may or may not have sent me over to talk to you." I said nonchalantly as though the guy had not just single handedly ripped your heart out with seven small simple words.

His face flushed red slightly, and you suddenly had the urge to cry.  
"But why you." Karkat muttered, and you shrugged.  
"Dunno. I asked the same thing, but she just made me. But you don't want to bask in the presence of this fine piece of Strider ass, fine by me." There, you suddenly had a wave of normalcy. You felt stronger, after making that selfish comment. He let out a little huff.  
"Well, if she sent you over, there's obviously some really fucking important reason."

This had occurred to you. But you were thinking that the bitch was just being a bitch. Jade seemed innocent and nice, but after you've known her for a long enough time, you realize she's actually a totally manipulative and mean bitch.  
But then, Rose states whenever I bring this up, that most girls are.

He coughs, and I shrug, nodding a little in agreement. We sit in silence, and I realize that the reassurance I had felt from my comment earlier had waded away to nothing. He scritched his nose, and finally sighed

"This is awkward." He says. I grunt and sit up, chewing my lip.

When I was younger, I would have been spewing random shit in this kind of situation.

Younger meaning, like, half a year ago.

But for some reason right now I can't verbalize anything at all. It's actually kind of horrifying. Shuffling, I heard him stand up.

"Well, I'm going to swim now." He said. I nodded.  
"Should probably save John from the clutches of your bros there. Looks like his head might pop." I state, smirking a little when Karkat's lips twitch just a little.  
It was small, and no one else would have noticed it.

But I did.

And I was overwhelmed with a whole new wave of emotion.

"So did you talk to him?" Jade asked, a bounce in her skip as the four of us walked to the pizza place we have hung out at ever since entering Middle School.

I look at the black haired girl from over my shades, a look of pure disgust hopefully getting to her. But she was oblivious- or pretended to be- and looked up at me hopefully.  
"Ask who what?" John piped up, stumbling over his untied shoelaces. Rose made everyone stop and ordered the boy to tie his shoes while Jade explained;

"I'm not feeling exactly reassured about how Karkat's feeling about me, and therefore asked Dave to talk to Karkat!"  
John's face clouded with confusion as he stood.  
"But Jade, you can see how much Karkat likes you in the way he looks at you alone! And why didn't you ask me? Dave and Karkat aren't as close as I am with him!"  
The look John received next was sharp and John stumbled back a bit. The look was only for a second, and I obviously was not supposed to see it, but I did. Turning a little, I began to walk again, and heard some harsh whispers and a sudden 'OOoooh.' which was defiantly John. Turning to look over my shoulder, I give them a look, and watch as the three hurry to catch up.

John is flirting.  
I've seen others flirt with him, quiet often that I like now that Eridan has started tagging along behind us at times.

But never have I seen the derp flirt back.  
It's like watching your little brother make out or listen to him talk about sex.

Just something about it seems off... Uncomfortable even.

It was unnerving.

Squished between Jade and Gamzee in the small red booth, it was hard not to watch as John giggled and gave Sollux fleeting glances, looking up at him through his eyelashes.  
Even Karkat seemed bothered.  
Not that I noticed or anything, that would be creeperish.

No, we have not already established that I have a creeper tendency when it comes to the brunette.  
Shut up.

Sollux happily returned the glances with snarky comments and small touches.  
This was really weird, and I could feel Gamzee uncomfortable as well, as we sat literally right up sides to side, like we were glued together or something. I subconsciously wondered what had happened to his crippled friend, but Karkat's frowny face was too cute to think about anything serious at the moment.  
"Ugh, get a freaking room you two! God, how can you shit heads be so fucking gross..." He finally burst out, and the sip of soda I had just taken threatened to fly out of my mouth. Coughing a little, I swallowed and let out a snort. John's face was a flushed red and Sollux's mouth was drawn into a tight smirk.  
"Alright, Kk, be that way. John and I might jutht leave anyway." He said, lisp tangling with his words. John sputtered slightly as he was pulled from the booth and out of the small pizzeria. Jade giggled and Karkat gave her a look as Rose carefully peeled herself off of Gamzee and sat next to the now empty space next to Vantas.

"Rose!" Jade suddenly exclaimed, and said girl snapped her head around to look at the one who had uttered her name. The black haired girl giggled. "Bathroom."  
Rose nodded and Gamzee and I had to get up, letting her out. We were now two awkward guys and Gamzee.

"Yo, you guys." Gamzee said suddenly, and I bit back the urge to make fun of him by saying yoooo right back. "Ampora alert."  
Karkat whipped around and I followed Gamzee's finger to the door. Sure enough, strutting in with his hipster glasses and totally gay scarf was none other than Eridan Ampora. Karkat tried to duck down into the booth but the gay lord had already spotted us and was making his way over. He pushed his glasses up as he opened his mouth to utter out the four words that for some reason made me think this day will get a whole lot interesting.  
"Strider, wwe havve to talk."


End file.
